Unwanted Effects of Great Freedom

Martin is a couch-surfer and fellow nomad. He posted the following message in a group called "Full Time Travellers/Nomads" on the CouchSurfing website at http://www.couchsurfing.org/ (You must be a member to access the profiles and groups.) I am posting it here with his full permission.

"Hi fellow nomads!
Just found this group and immediately wanted to join and introduce myself, to see if someone can relate to what I'm doing with myself. But now I realized I'm sick of my life story so I'll look for another approach. :)"

He continues......

"I'm wondering about this:
Being retired or just somehow having enough money to travel forever and not needing the home you had anymore is one thing. Sounds like a very rich life!

But, are there also nomads of the kind who simply don't have a "home" even if they would want one, and/or who don't have a source of money and are actually not really sure how they will survive more than one day/week/month at a time?
Who don't know if being a nomad is something they decided or something that just happened?

Having been homeless for 2 years in pursuit of freedom, trying to renounce things, habits, desires etc, I now find myself in a country I didn't expect to be in, with almost no money, no income, no profession, hardly any connections, no backup home to go to anywhere in the world but only temporary ones. I don't know how long I can stay here and don't know where to go next. And here's the thing: I don't mind.

I'm discovering that the one thing still scaring me is that I'm not afraid of things anymore. I'm not afraid of not achieving things or not surviving, I'm hardly not even afraid of causing others trouble anymore, which used to be a huge issue.

I can't see how to get past this. What in the world is going to motivate me to get up and do something, if I'm not afraid of any outcome?

In spirituality this kind of homelessness or freedom is often made to sound all warm and cozy, but please tell me how you actually continue to live in the world if you're not motivated by any fear? Society isn't designed for that for sure. I'm still just 24 and I don't expect to be fed for free if I just drift around like this. Yet I'm totally fine with my life and not motivated to do anything about it. What's happening?

See, it's so odd, I don't even have a problem! I'm healthy right now and not starving and about the rest time will tell. It is causing lots of anxiety though, ironically...
Absurd huh. :)

If anyone else has experienced this, please say hello, or anything you like! It's getting difficult for a part of me to relate to people because most of them are struggling so much and I'm not... so it would be nice to talk to others about it. :)

By the way I'm not suicidal so don't worry."




Taken at Qingyang gong in China, Summer 2009


I will add a couple of comments, from other couch surfers, in the comments section if you are interested. If you wish to add yours Martin will see them.

Why Grandmothers Give Money For Christmas

The first couple of times it seemed really WRONG, like I had no interest in hand picking the perfect present for each grandchild. It wasn’t that I didn’t try. Children like stuff that I have never heard of before.

I learned very quickly to ask lots of questions and armed with a list would head out to the nearest store. Nope! The nearest department store was where I went to shop for my kids. These days the items on the list were all in specialty stores. Each kids choice in a different store of course and the closest was half way across town.

Alright, the second store I try has the first item on the list. I ask the clerk where to find it and she points. Now I have to tell her I don’t even know what it is! She rolls her eyes and says, as though talking to a moron, “Its’ a DVD!” “OK, thanks!” I say relieved that it is something I will recognize.

OK, one down! Next is a game for an “electronic device” that I have never seen before. I have the name and make of the game though. Argggg...... there is more than one version of the game and which model of player do they have? I don’t know. Like I said....never seen it before. “Does it matter that much?” I say to the clerk. “Yes” says the clerk, “Does it look like this?” “I don’t know” I say. “I have never seen it before." Already backing away from the counter, I say "maybe I will have to call them. I’ll come back tomorrow. Thanks.”

And that is how Granma Grinch was created. This year, crisp bills attached to the top of boxes of candy (so they won’t know it’s just money until they open it) and wrapped in festive paper. My can’t-go-wrong gifts are ready to deliver.

Humbug
Signed, Granma Grinch

If Ever You Come Unbent in the Meantime

An undercurrent of emotion seizes the heart with a searing pain and it seems to crack open. Tears come, followed by great wracking sobs of joy. Everything else is cast in one dull shadow. The pointlessness of it all borders on idiocy. Stop! Focus on the intensity. There is life here. You are running after an idea which is sterile. It cannot bear fruit for it is empty of life. Pain is alive. So is joy. They make you feel to your core what it is to be alive. They will not destroy you, but you try to destroy yourself, for your own selfish reasons.

[This came last night and ended as abruptly as it began. To me the title seems incomplete as does the text. I feel like I started reading in the middle of a book. I will not judge however as I asked to channel something that I didn’t understand.

I am trusting it is complete in the way it needs to be and I am posting in the hope that someone gets something out of it. Let me know if you do and perhaps I will too someday.]

“Where am I?”

I love walking, especially in nature, and last month I had the good fortune to move to a suburb with many natural walking options.

I live 3 blocks from the north end of the Meewasin Valley river trail. The South Saskatchewan River zigzags through the city of Saskatoon from Southwest to Northeast and the city has developed many trails along the river’s edge for cyclists and pedestrians. I had no idea the trail came up this far!


Last week I spent two and a half glorious hours exploring the local segment and managed to grab a couple of shots of the sun setting on the river.

The Meewasin Trail is also connected with Saskatoon’s Natural Grasslands Conservation Area. It is a large area of natural prairie land complete with many flora and fauna which flourish locally.

In fact, it is one of the few conservation parks in the world which are found within city limits. It is a great place to walk or meditate in nature and it is only a block from home.


I live a scant 2 minute walk from the outer edge of the city in one of the new neighbourhoods. I love that because I can be walking on a dirt road in the country in a matter of minutes. That really brings out the old farmer in me and before you know it I will be chewing on a stem of grass.

On one of my daily walks I headed down to the end of my street and out into the country, walking around the city through the field. After walking for some time I re-entered the city in another neighbourhood. I noticed a street sign off in the distance and thought, “Ah good! This will tell me where I am.”

As you can see, I was at the corner of 600 Lane and 200 Crescent. This cracked me up because it was no use at all. All the crescents have the same signs except for the one out at the main street. There is no allowance for walkers coming in the back door.


From the edge of Saskatoon to the downtown core, Meewasin Trail is there. One stopping point which shouldn’t be missed is the new River Landing Area which is in the heart of the city. http://www.meewasin.com/development/riverfront/


I suppose I should get a map but that would take the fun of discovery out of my walks. On my last walk I discovered a shortcut to the Forestry Farm Park. You can be sure I will be over there on the next pleasant afternoon.

Beyond Human-Nature-Spirit Boundaries: Researching With Animate EARTH

A new aquantence of mine creatively blends academic excelencce with limit-expanding style in her PHD dissertation on animism.

The reader can pick and chose their own route to journey through the site, often finding that they have been doubled back onto a previously read page delibertly for a second insite.

The writer says "My aim here is to create a text with spaces for intention, together with animate Earth and/or spirit, to contribute to any reading."

She was not afraid to step outside of convention, creating the most refreshing doctorial thesis I have ever seen.


Enjoy

The Treatise of Alabaster and Zoë

This is the title that was offered to me during a meditation in which I was searching for help with beginning the process of channelled writing.

Below is the product of two sessions of channelled writing, one for Alabaster and one for Zoe. Nearly two months transpired between the two writings.

The subject is presented as it was first written, without any editing, except for some spelling correction and punctuation.



Who or what is Alabaster?

It was a very long time ago, in fact so long ago that it may seem that it never happened at all, when everything was in the form of thought in the one mind, that you left the field of one and became part of the myriad of many. Many souls were formed on that day. Well, there were no days or time either so we should say that the one mind became many, and that is it. Since there is no time, nor was there any time we must then conclude that it was now that we became separate from the one. We are separating from the one now. We are separate from the one now. We think that we don’t remember being part of the one, but if we are just separating now then we are also part of the one now. We are wholly in the one, feeling that we are separate, and we are wholly separate and feeling that we are one and we are everything in between.

Alabaster is a human. Any human, anywhere. Alabaster cannot remember being part of the one mind. Alabaster is living what he thinks is his life, happily or unhappily as it goes. When presented with the question of separation he wonders if such a thing could be so. As he ponders the possibility, a feeling of space forms within his awareness. He does not know the purpose of the space but he is aware of the feeling of longing for something, he knows not what, to fill the space. It is not a desperate longing but simply a desire to reclaim an unknown, a feeling of wanting to return to some previous time, much like the feeling of wanting to return to ones roots or to go home. Unless there is some movement Alabaster will not stay with this question for long. Most humans, like Alabaster, want some results when they pursue a question, they want to make progress and gain understanding or change or they will in time give it up. The thought of that longing cannot be given up forever though as life has a way of reminding us of the question of our separation, and thus Alabaster will go through many cycles of longing and pondering. Alabaster has many thoughts which get in the way: I am not enough! I do not know how! It is not possible! I am afraid! No one really loves me! I am not worthy! Alabaster decides to work hard to make himself worthy, knowledgeable, heroic, loved and successful. He may accomplish much or he may fail. Either way, when he again ponders the feeling of his separation he still feels the empty longing. He comes to a time when he has exhausted all his own possible answers. If he surrendered here he could save himself a lot of trouble but that almost never happens. The feeling of impending surrender is so terrifying that it will spur Alabaster into renewed efforts to validate himself. He may be tempted by some alternative means of self destruction such as recreational chemicals and booze, sex, and overconsumption.

Dear Alabaster, if only you could see that the harder you try the farther away you take yourself. Your life is a very long process of pushing yourself to a point of surrender. If you can get to the point where you can conclude that you can’t fix it yourself, and you feel totally without hope, your search stage is almost concluded. Congratulations! You are on the point of surrender. Surrender occurs in many ways, has many thought forms and feelings but it ultimately takes you to the place of increased connectedness with the one, that feeling of completion you have been seeking. This is a beautiful discovery. Enjoy it while you can because most humans don’t stay long the first time. They know how good it feels but they still need to work through some of their issues so they return to trying to solve them only finding they must return to surrender time and again. If they are paying attention though, they will understand their relationship with the one more and more. They will begin to learn how to interact with it and what it is. They will begin to want to spend more and more time in unison with the one and less and less time on the struggle which was their former life. They will long for occasions where they can further surrender and enter into stronger connection with the one.
As they become stronger within the one they begin to feel a sense of belonging. They feel a kind of ownership as if it is somehow their home too. They accept that they are one with the one, and as such they are both separate and whole at the same moment, now. This recognition makes life easier and less serious. Alabaster can see that he has come a long way in his journey and he can look on his life as the story of how he learned who he is.



Who would Alabaster say he is?

I am clay. I am first malleable and then take the shape and form in which I am poured. I will then spend my existence being the physical manifestation which I have become. Even if I would long to be something else, I cannot. I will be what I am until I return to the clay of which I am made.

Alabaster is what he is regardless of whether he accepts himself or not. On the physical plane this is the way it is, however, before Alabaster was formed, he was an idea in the mind. That idea is also who he is, in fact it is more who he is than that which he thinks he is, because his existence as an idea is infinite. It is timeless in the universal now. The manifestation of Alabaster is idea given form so that mind can experience time and space.

An angel comforting Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane.

Painting by Carl Heinrich Bloch

Who or what is Zoe?

Zoe is an energy form which can be in many dimensions at once. She is not physically manifest but she can be seen using spiritual eyes. Zoe is also part of the one universal as we are and she can also experience that oneness part of the time. Zoe is based in another dimension, one which is not dependent upon time and space. She is there because an idea of the one mind created her there. Not being physical, she is able to move between dimensions much easier than we are and yet she has some similarities with humans. Like us, Zoe cannot decide to go somewhere else in the universe, or be something else other than the form in which she was created. Her perception of the universal one is greater and she is able to maintain her presence within it longer than humans do but she is not yet ready to be one with source either. She must continue in the form and do what she can to grow in ability to surrender to all that is.

Zoe and others like her are the energies which humans call angels.
There is much to be said for having angels in our lives, and much to be said about it. In the beginning was the one and the one was with God. This has been true forever and it is true forever. Why? In the stillness we can bring you to a place where you feel this to be true. What you are feeling inside within moments of stillness is the oneness, the creator, the universal mind. We are called by many names. Choose the one which suits you. At those times you are unable to deny the truth. You do not even want to argue when your senses are filled with it. Your system is not made to work entirely in this light yet, but you are in the process of being introduced to it. You need to make many opportunities to bring yourself in contact with it. Helping others do the same is a worthwhile endeavour for you also. Each soul working in this way is creating a point of light of a frequency which is sustainable with regular connection. You begin to feel the light within and you recognize that its source is not you but that you have a familiarity with the source. You trust that you are a part of the one, of all that is and all that will be or ever was. There are no words which are powerful enough to convince you of this, and that is why each must take their own journey until they remember.


Who would Zoe say she is?

I am Zoe and I am an angel of light. I am a guide for other angels who are working with your guides and the guides of others. In a sense, I am their teacher as they are yours. You can speak to me directly if you wish but you will usually experience me through working with your guides. When you most need my help I will be there, helping by holding a creative space around you and assisting the guides to deliver the frequency and instructions that you need. Remember though, that your guides have a very great amount to offer you. They are around you at all times, you need only ask for their help. Do not be passive about this. Do not think of us as wispy creatures with no substance for we have more spiritual substance than do you. We are waiting for you to recognize the totality of what you are being offered. It is not possible that you could depend on us too much, because as we help you, you become more capable. Please remember, you are not here to learn to be a spirit, you are here to learn to be human, and in so doing you will build the foundation for the next level. Do not, however, concern your selves about that which comes next. You are in a moment which is full of everything which is needed for you to progress well. You do not have to plan it or even know what the next step is. Be completely in tune with what is in the now. See it, smell it, feel it, taste it and above all, love it. Your life and everything in it is a gift. You do not own it but it is yours to do with for a time. When one period of your life ends, you always have a choice between getting stuck in the feeling the loss of it, or of opening to the next moment. You are always provided for dear ones. You will better understand the process if you release your ideas about how you should be provided for. Make time for this. Do not wring every possible ounce of energy from each minuet of the day and yourself, but make a place where you are open to spirit each and every day. Call for it and welcome it.

We are here for you. Ask and you shall receive, knock and it will be opened unto you. Be aware of the gifts offered to you through your guides both spiritual and human and offer gratitude and love in return.

Know that you are loved very, very much and that all is well with the world.

reBlog from google.com: Finnegan Begin Again

I found this fascinating quote today:

Words of wisdom from Pakistani leader Benazir Bhutto (1953-2007):

A ship in port is safe,

but that is not what ships are for.

Nice metaphor, but here's the thing. Just by living, we are forced from our ports. You can go searching for drama or you can wait for it to amble over and find a place on your couch. Your choice. One way or another, it's coming. So here's what you must do: You must invite the unpleasantries in. Tell them to stop fogging up your windows, to get inside and to get on with things. Acknowledge them. (Really, they're like toddlers; the more you ignore them the louder they'll yell.) Give them cookies. They like that. Pat their heads and then let them go home, and when they are gone, catch your breath. Maybe have some wine. Cuz they're coming back, and they're bringing their friends.

google.com, Finnegan Begin Again

You should read the whole article.

A Blessing and a Curse!

I came across this little poem again recently and it still takes me back to my childhood memories.

THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL

WHO HAD A LITTLE CURL

RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF HER FOREHEAD

WHEN SHE WAS GOOD

SHE WAS VERY VERY GOOD

AND WHEN SHE WAS BAD

SHE WAS HORRID

I had beautiful curly hair as a child so my mother often recited this little poem to me. I was the "good child", you see, and when she said it I puffed up with the pleasure of being recognized as very, very good. That pleasure, which was very short lived, was soon replaced with torment as I braced myself to also be labeled HORRID!

I now recognize that as parents we have little or no idea about how our children are effected by the things we say to them. I imagine that my mother had some fondness in her heart when she spoke those words to me. I hope she did.

I recall one road trip with all three of my children when we were answering a quiz from a magazine to entertain ourselves. The questions were of a personal nature revealing quirks and characteristics of us all. One question, to my eldest daughter, was about having high expectations of yourself. She gave her reply and then said to me, "You have really high expectations of us!" It was said in the tone of accusation and I realized at that moment how my actions, which were meant to be encouraging, were seen by her.

Games like these are a great tool I think, if used heartfully. Children don't always speak up and let us know how things are for them unless encouraged in some way.

None of my children have the same experience of their reality growing up in our home. My sibs and I did not either. We are all still finding surprising memories and experiences coming to light.

Reread some of the old nursery rhymes and fairy tales with an eye to how they could be interpreted by children. I'm so glad we don't use those anymore! At least there was a magical element about them which made them somewhat separate from everyday reality.

Are modern versions of entertainment for children any better? I like to think they are, but I am sure there are always impressions being made and not all of them are useful to the child. Most children's shows are trying to be educational, but wait, so were the nursery rhymes and fairy tales.

My conclusion is that it is just not possible to give your children all the impressions that you want them to have. Who knows if our information is the best for them anyway. The best solution, I think, is to love them, have fun with them and keep them safe while you enjoy watching them become who they are.

The White Shag Rug

My “stuff” is all crammed into a 5 by 10 storage shed. Whew! It went well I think. Well, I did have a wee bit left over after all the giving away, selling and packing off to the shed. On Oct 30 and 31 there was a half ton truck load and 4 small loads in my car which had to come with me to the house. I expect to have less when I leave here as there is a lot of sorting to be done on clothes and files and other small personal stuff. Now, I wonder what I did with the whole month of holidays. I always seem to do it this way, packing boxes as the movers are carrying them out, moving mountains of stuff in my car because it wasn’t packed in time for the movers. Well, I am here now and that is all that matters. I have 8 months to get ready for the next move where the plan is to emerge from here with only a back-pack ready to take on the world.

I am not naturally a neat person, in fact, I am happiest if things I use regularly are just sitting around where I can easily grab them. As a house-sitter things can’t be quite like that. My new temporary digs are very pristine, nicely furnished and artfully decorated. Clutter has no place here. Everything that I use I put right away after. The environment appears untouched, except of course, for my bedroom/office where I allow my natural tendencies full reign.

Another tendency I have is to like things in my environment to be practical, user friendly and easy to clean. When I was introduced to my beautiful bedroom it had a lovely gold brocade bed cover with matching shams. “That looks cozy”, I thought, moments before the bed cover’s owner said “We don’t sleep with that”. Now, just keeping my mouth shut, I am thinking “Then why do we have it on my bed?” The place did look very nice though and I was happy to have found it. Later that day I put the “too fancy for me” bed cover into a closet in the spare bedroom and replaced it with a cozy user friendly quilt.

After having been here almost a week I began to wonder about the cleaning requirements of the beautiful white shag area rug on the floor of my bathroom. I flipped over a corner discovering that it was jute backed. “Oh oh!” I thought, “No washing machine for this rug!” There was a tag on another corner with cleaning instructions, or so I hoped. DO NOT DRY CLEAN. Plain enough, but what then? Is there a third option? The tag also said, Vacuum vigorously and spot clean stains immediately. That beautiful little rug now resides in a corner of the family room where it will never be stepped on by me.

These two small issues aside, I am 3 weeks into my first ever house-sitting gig and am more than completely happy with everything else.

The next few months may be quite uneventful but I will post if something interesting comes up.

The couch is gone!

I brought in a chair from the spare bedroom and the living-room still looks fine, but it is a sign that the transition is beginning. The couch went to Joanne and Bert’s cottage at Pike Lake. I will still be sitting on it from time to time, but its absence emphasises the change which is in the process of unfolding.
I love that I have plenty of time to process these changes and to be comfortable as I separate myself from the things which will no longer be needed for my journey. It could be exciting to speculate upon what might unfold but I don’t do much of that. I am totally just immersed in relocating my possessions and organizing my details into a coherent and portable format. There is no sense of loss or fear of disaster, just a muted puzzlement as to why these options are so natural and easy to make at this time.
October will be a month of holidays and total focus on the project More on that later.

And so it begins!

10 more months until my retirement but so much to do before then as I prepare to pop out of the coocoon provided by working life into the great unknown. I hadn’t spent much time thinking about this transition until this year. I was neither looking forward to it or dreading it and now it is imminent. Of all life’s transitions; starting school, starting college, getting a job, getting married, having children, starting a business and getting divorced, this may well be the most exciting and challenging of them all to this point.
I plan to move into my back pack and become nomadic for a time. There are no fixed plans yet as to where I will go and for how long. This blog will have the updates as I have time to write as well as other random thoughts as I process the journey. Please share your comments with me too as I like to know how you are also.

Greetings!

Welcome to my blog. I have high hopes of writing "something" regularly. I expect I will note my observations on life, retirement, travel or whatever I am on about at the moment.

I expect to be moving around quite a bit, so this blog will also be my link to the folks at home.

I am on a learning curve in this venture. Patience, it will get better!