"Hi fellow nomads!
Just found this group and immediately wanted to join and introduce myself, to see if someone can relate to what I'm doing with myself. But now I realized I'm sick of my life story so I'll look for another approach. :)"
He continues......
"I'm wondering about this:
Being retired or just somehow having enough money to travel forever and not needing the home you had anymore is one thing. Sounds like a very rich life!
But, are there also nomads of the kind who simply don't have a "home" even if they would want one, and/or who don't have a source of money and are actually not really sure how they will survive more than one day/week/month at a time?
Who don't know if being a nomad is something they decided or something that just happened?
Having been homeless for 2 years in pursuit of freedom, trying to renounce things, habits, desires etc, I now find myself in a country I didn't expect to be in, with almost no money, no income, no profession, hardly any connections, no backup home to go to anywhere in the world but only temporary ones. I don't know how long I can stay here and don't know where to go next. And here's the thing: I don't mind.
I'm discovering that the one thing still scaring me is that I'm not afraid of things anymore. I'm not afraid of not achieving things or not surviving, I'm hardly not even afraid of causing others trouble anymore, which used to be a huge issue.
I can't see how to get past this. What in the world is going to motivate me to get up and do something, if I'm not afraid of any outcome?
In spirituality this kind of homelessness or freedom is often made to sound all warm and cozy, but please tell me how you actually continue to live in the world if you're not motivated by any fear? Society isn't designed for that for sure. I'm still just 24 and I don't expect to be fed for free if I just drift around like this. Yet I'm totally fine with my life and not motivated to do anything about it. What's happening?
See, it's so odd, I don't even have a problem! I'm healthy right now and not starving and about the rest time will tell. It is causing lots of anxiety though, ironically...
Absurd huh. :)
If anyone else has experienced this, please say hello, or anything you like! It's getting difficult for a part of me to relate to people because most of them are struggling so much and I'm not... so it would be nice to talk to others about it. :)
By the way I'm not suicidal so don't worry."
Taken at Qingyang gong in China, Summer 2009
I will add a couple of comments, from other couch surfers, in the comments section if you are interested. If you wish to add yours Martin will see them.
Posts
Quoting a fellow couchsurfer:
ReplyDelete"Hey Martin,
I can relate somewhat to that feeling.
I spent a whole lot of time trying to free myself from habits, from fear of outcomes. . .I would keep trivializing things in my head. Whenever a problem arose I would tell myself 'it's only temporary' and compare it to greater problems I'd seen people have while travelling. The problem was that my life began to seem trivial because of it. Once I made all the problems and distractions and stresses in my life entirely trivial there was nothing to seperate me from doing that to the good things in life as well. Everything was passing the time and, because of that, it didn't seem to matter what I was doing anymore, good or bad.
I wasn't suicidal either, but I worried about hitting that point because, if nothing mattered, would that extend to my very existance? But I always comforted myself by reminding myself that, if I ever did hit a point where I cared so little about my own survival that I would do THAT, then I could do something ELSE I'd been prevented from doing by fear before. Something great. Anything. Make a difference, or just do something insane and fun.
I don't know if there's anything anyone can really say to help you sort through the issue you're having at the moment, I think (personally) it may be something you're going to have to find in yourself. Like most epiphanies (at least the ones I've had) it'll probably be something terribly obvious that you already, TECHnically knew, but couldn't fully realize until some other chain of events transpired.
But, if it's any help, here's a quote from 'Stranger than Fiction' that I think does a half decent job of summing up the obvious thing I realized; That these trivial things are not passing the time, they are our lives. And we should enjoy them. If we're not enjoying them, we should change them. And if we are enjoying them, then there's nothing to worry about - We're doing it right.
"As Harold took a bite of Bavarian sugar cookie, he finally felt as if everything was going to be ok. Sometimes, when we lose ourselves in fear and despair, in routine and constancy, in hopelessness and tragedy, we can thank God for Bavarian sugar cookies. And, fortunately, when there aren't any cookies, we can still find reassurance in a familiar hand on our skin, or a kind and loving gesture, or subtle encouragement, or a loving embrace, or an offer of comfort, not to mention hospital gurneys and nose plugs, an uneaten Danish, soft-spoken secrets, and Fender Stratocasters, and maybe the occasional piece of fiction. And we must remember that all these things, the nuances, the anomalies, the subtleties, which we assume only accessorize our days, are effective for a much larger and nobler cause. They are here to save our lives."
Hope you find your answers. Cheers, - Krys"
Martin, what a beautiful story. You have healed yourself from the world but unfortunately the world is not there yet. I commend you. I am not nearly this far along.
ReplyDeleteHere is my opinion: This is where we are all heading but you are way out ahead. To be there and be humble and unafraid is perfect. What I think you need to do is hold this space as much as you can. It will affect others even when you are not aware of it. Even in your written word there is hope and healing. All you need to do is anything you enjoy. There are others doing this and many more on the way. If it sounds spiritual, it is, but not in the way most people think. I thank you for having the great courage to lead the way.
I am hoping you will write more and in other formats. It will be a wonderful tool for you.
My humble blessings
Fay